How To Build Lego

This afternoon, I had the distinct privilege of spending quality time with Eldest Son, Monkey Boy.

Said quality time consisted of building a Lego Star Wars Big Fucker of the Thing with One Bazillion Pieces.

It was a Galacticon Battlezoid or a Republic Attack Shuttle or something. I think I made the first one up. Either way, I don’t care what it was called, and it had a bazillion pieces.

Here is how to build one:

1. Explain to Eldest Child you will be with him when you have finished writing your article
2. Explain to Eldest Child he needs to leave you alone, or article will take longer to write
3. Explain to Eldest Child you will be with him “in a minute”
4. Explain to Eldest Child you will be with him “In. A. Minute!”
5. Mutter ”for fuck’s sake” under breath
6. Request instructions to commence construction of big fucker Lego thing
7. Sit in spot as directed and await specific instructions from child
8. Demand own set of instructions
9. Explain to Eldest Child (who is SO like his father it’s not funny) that, no, working on one piece together is probably not a good idea. It is Lego, after all. Perhaps best to have a small project each.
10. Grab own set of instructions and contemplate array of your good china spread around living room floor, each containing the contents of the individual bags of Lego bits

Some other things you should know:

1. The separation of pieces into individual bags leads you to believe that each bag contains all the pieces you need, and only the pieces you need for a particular component of the Battle Attack Shuttle Droid Thing. As the entire spaceship is actually made up of various smaller projects, this would make sense. This is to lull you into a false sense of security. Not only does each bag not contain all the bits you need for constructing one part of the shuttle, it also contains pieces required for all other parts of the shuttle.

2. This particular creation contains pieces that are grey in colour. Fourteen different shades of grey, to be precise. The instruction booklet denotes the varying shades of grey when informing you of which pieces to use. All the shades of grey displayed in the book are in between those of the pieces in front of you, therefore, your black pieces actually look a very dark grey in the book. It is nigh on impossible to determine which dark greay bit you are supposed to be using for the left, rear undercarriage of the galactitron. Is the dark grey, the very dark grey, the very very dark grey or the black?

3. At one point, your Eldest Child will be in a state, due to the substantial overlooking of including dark grey pieces in the set, and wondering why there are so many black pieces left.

4. At around this point, you will surreptitiously hide your project under the nearest cushion so he is unable to see you have used all the dark grey bits when you should have used black.

5. Shortly afterwards, you will be required to completely dismantle the shuttle-bit you did 3 projects ago, to retrieve the black bit you did use that should have been red. This piece will be located in a seemingly easily accessible spot, yet require complete dismantling anway.

6. Halfway through, the toddler will awake from his afternoon nap and want to help.

7. It is extremely difficult to construct Lego-type constructions when toddler and husband are throwing balls at you “for fun”.

8. Locating teensy Lego pieces from under our couches is neither fun nor remotely hygienic.

9. Despite being the one to create 9 out of the 10 possible mini-creations that make up the one, large creation, you are in no way entitled to have any part in putting any of the mini-constructions together to create large one, nor should you ask, beg or plead to look at finished creation upon it’s completion. Under no circumstances may you touch any pieces once you have handed them over and signed them off as done.

10.Exception: You are under complete obligation to fix the entire thing when it is left on coffee table at toddler height and played with, thrown and smashed into the back of someone’s head.

NB Lego inscructions are similar to those of Ikea instructions, and, in similar  fashion, come devoid of contact details for divorce lawyers and/or clinical psychologists who specialise in trauma.