This post may be considerably deeper than my usual Diary entries, and may cause some distress, I know, to some of you who are close to me. I apologise. I feel there is discussion around the topic that is overlooked, whether because it is “too hard” or deliberately ignored I have no idea. Those close to me, I know you get this, and it is partly for you that I speak up.

I have heard, around and about various media, the report published in the Journal of Ethics by ethicists Alberto Giubilini of Monash University and Dr Francesca Minerva of Melbourne University, discussing the concept of “post-birth abortion”. That is, killing a newborn.

Abhorred as I am by this very suggestion, it is not what set me off in tears yesterday. When it comes to abortion (in utero), I am very much pro-choice; which does not mean I am pro-abortion. It does not mean I am anti-abortion either. It means I am pro-choice.

What did upset me most was an article by Andrew Bolt, and his rhetoric relating to the published paper.

I don’t necessarily disagree with what he said. I’m saddened by what he – and many, many others – didn’t say.

Throughout his article he brought up a number of cases where an abortion has been performed, written in such a way to highlight the trauma, the abhorrence the emotion, and most definitely designed to shock:

There was the 2000 case of the “abortion” of Jessica, a healthy 32-week-old foetus, after her deeply distressed mother threatened suicide if made to give birth.

Jessica Jane was expelled from the womb – alive. She was placed in a stainless-steel dish by a horrified midwife and left in a room, where she cried until she died, alone, 80 minutes later.

and

I was just as wrong to assume that publicising other cases – like the rescue of an aborted baby, still alive, from a bin at Sydney’s Westmead hospital – might make us agree such deaths involve a profound wrong. Yes, a mother has a right to her body, but surely these babies had a right to their lives.

The point he – and everyone else seems to – missed is that, I’m fairly sure whomever the doctor/obstetrician/medical professional caring for “Jessica’s” mother didn’t just go “Hmm, yep, ok, let’s do it.”

I like to think that the woman in question was offered support, counselling and the opportunity to be treated as a human being herself; a person with thoughts and feelings.

Perhaps I’m far too much of a romanticist, and that ALL women who chose to have abortions are wonton whores who are incapable of rational thought?

Why is it, when individual cases of abortion are discussed, the two main factors left out – or deliberately ignored – are the woman’s access to support, counselling and informed information (by which I mean factual, and not influenced by religion or opinion or judgement) or whether she has been given any or not and the factors in her life that are causing her to lean towards this decision?

Here’s some information on women – mothers – that appear to be overlooked in all forms of media, including parenting forums and a considerable number of parenting information and advice sites (especially those run by “parenting experts”):

• mother’s and pregnant women do have minds of their own
• they are NOT stupid
• they are capable of rational thought and decision making
• they generally do not make decisions based around abortion lightly
• they generally weigh these decisions up, based on everything going on in their lives; it is generally not a selfish, flippant or kneejerk reaction
• any decision made in relation to their children is well thought out, considers other stuff going on in their lives and is often a very, very difficult decision to make

Most importantly, mothers are not incubators who have lost all thought or feeling – they are people, too.

What brought me to tears reading Bolt’s article was the flippant manner in which cases of abortion were written, and his even more flippant comments along the lines of:

A legal reason for killing your baby could be, say, unexpected losses at the pokies, leaving you short of cash for nappies.

Whether intentional or not, it fuels the already mistaken belief that mothers are stupid, have no morals and no capacity for thinking.

It continues to feed the myth that women who make the decision to abort a foetus, whether healthy or not, do it based on a whim and a bit of a bad day.

Comments like this support the anti-choicers, and fuel their simpleminded opinion in relation to abortion.

They create a black and white dichotomy where grey is not allowed, and rather than provide an option of empathy or room for “other” factors or support, it leads only to an all or nothing view on abortion … leading to less and less public support - not support for abortion, but support for women who may desperately need it.

Women who can see no other alternative but “the baby dies, or I do”.

I appreciate that many, many people view pregnant women as ONLY this incubator for a new life.

I can’t view women like that; I have seen women who have been through some terrible times during and just post pregnancy change society … they are amazing and talented and their life is every bit worth that of a foetus!

Pregnant women are not worth less than a baby, mothers are worth just as much as their children… and it is this which is unspoken that leads to ignorance and ill informed comments.

This whole, shallow debate reminds me of a comedy sketch I saw when I was about 15 or 16 (and so far from thinking about having kids of my own that I’m surprised it touched me as it did … I saw the humour, but mostly I saw how society was and I cried like I hadn’t for a long time):

Two women were protesting outside an abortion clinic; waving placards and chanting slogans.

A woman, dressed in a suit, a counsellor perhaps, walks past with her arms wrapped around a young woman who was clearly distressed.

One of the protestors (played by Magda Szubanski) runs up and yells in the young woman’s face … “You’re killing a baby! You’re killing a little baby!!”

The woman in the suit looks at her and calmly says “This woman was pack raped by a gang of six men,” and continues to lead the young woman into the clinic.

The protestor walks back to her compatriot, smug look on her face and relays the message; “Doesn’t even know who the father is!”

Whether being pack raped by six men is “excuse” enough for an abortion or not is not the point; the point is, whatever was happening to this young woman was irrelevant. She was not worth considering. She had no say. She was nothing.

Sadly, since I was 15 or 16 the only thing that has changed is that people have got louder and more “right” in their beliefs. It is more ok to condemn, criticise and judge.

And still no one is speaking of women, especially pregnant ones, as being human …

Whoops, I almost forgot about this one … I promised a few weeks back I’d post it. Obviously, I got it out of my system I still feel it needs saying, though … so here it is. The last post was my personal stuff, this one is just a rant – my Cranky Pants are on …

Anyhoo …

I hang around a lot of businessy type people, as well as mum type people and bloggery type people, and sometimes those people are one and the same “person” (ie mum blogger or wham or whatever) and sometimes they are three different people that each fall into one of the abovementioned categories.

And variations thereof.

Anyhoo, as a result, particuarly the business, and to a slightly lesser degree, the bloggy (in my experience) “circles”, I come across a heap of motivational and inspirational quotes. They pop up a LOT on my facebook feed, and a bit less on twitter, and ALWAYS at business events and networking gatherings and the like.

I get a bit scared when the quotes filter through those barriers and into the hands of those who haven’t quite done the level of personal (or business) development that others have. And when they are touted by the “self help gurus” and “personal development masters”, bandied about like everyone will just “get” them and “should” just take them on board and just listen and “just” act on them.

I’m really sorry if that comes across as a little sanctimonious. But I kinda view it a bit like someone who has done, say, a medical degree against someone who hasn’t. The former has a bit of a clue as to what they’re talking about when referring to medical thingies, or anatomy. I’ve studied anatomy and physiology, so whilst having little clue from a medical perspective, I have a bit of a clue when GPs and other medicos use the correct anatomical terminology (and, no, I’m not referring only to “penis” ), compared with others who have had little to do with the terminology and have little to no clue.

That saying;

It’s not what happens to you, its what you do with it that counts

… used to really piss me off. Because, you know, whe shitty things happen to you, it’s kinda normal that you’d react in a particular way. Lost your job? Husband had an affair and left you in the lurch? Discovered you have breast cancer?

It’s normal to get angry and upset and have a rant and let it affect your life. That SO makes sense.

Then I did a considerable amount of “personal development” (for want of a better word) and now it makes perfect sense to me.

Again, apologies for any hoity toity sounding shit I’m about to come out with … cos I did have this discussion with someone once, who hadn’t done any PD stuff and she got most upset with me and suggested I thought I was better than everyone else and what made me better than her, and had a tanty and now doesn’t talk to me. And that’s ok. I get it.

Nothing makes me better than anyone else. Excpet I nowunderstand this “inspirational quote, because I did some training in a particular area and I got me some skills and tools that have helped me.

Like I did when I wanted to become a personal trainer. I’m not better than anyone, I just now knew stuff and things about exercise and nutrition and the human body. It doesn’t make me “better” or “worse” than anyone. It makes me knowledgeable in a certain area. To some degree.

Whilst I understand and appreciate this – and other – quotes and they are great reminders for me at times, it scares me when they are tossed around like they are, and assumed that everyone will understand their meaning.

I have seen people crumble, feel useless and slide into horrible depressions because they were told “get over it” or “it’s how you’re looking at it”, with a flip of a hand and a turning of back. Like they should just understand, change their “mindset” and jsut get over it, move along and stop wallowing.

I mentioned in my post about this a few weeks back how hard that can be when you are innundated with so many pressures and stresses, when you have lifelong values and beliefs instilled in your brain, or you’re tired and can’t think straight.

I’m not for a minute suggesting it is not doable – absolutely it is. I practice it as often as I can (with the faculties I have at any given moment; some days are great, some are not). Nor am I making excuses.

What I AM suggesting is it can be an incredibly hurtful and dangerous comment to make when the tools and skills are not provided when imparting such useful comments.

I could tell you that, to improve your flexibility for example to “just go and do some proprioceptive neuromuscular facilitation” and roll my eyes a lot at you and call you an idiot when you don’t do it. Tut and say “if only she did some PNF, she’d be fine” and shake my head.

OR I could actually explain to you what PNF actually is and show you how to use it, how it works, why you do it and give you some practical techniques.

Inspirational and motivatonal quotes, in myopinion, are the same. You can cast them off willy nilly, or you can take a bit of responsibilty for what you’re saying to people, and be aware of hte consequences of some things in the hands of people who don’t know, don’t understand and don’t have the tools or skills.

Like anything – exercise, cooking, accounting, piloting, sewing, raising kids … and personal development … having the tools and skills and understanding are vital.

If that quote pisses you off, too, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

If you don’t understand it; why would you – how could you? – if you haven’t done the “training”?

If you’re not acting on it; how can you without the appropriate skills, resources and means with which to do it?

And like everything else, some people will “get” the sentiment fairly quickly (maybe without even doing any self development) and others will never get it, despite years of self-development.

I just think, sometimes, we need to take a little more care about how and where we’re making such statements. Particularly when there is expectation that everyone will understand and apprecaite it, and no support is offered.

Wow, this last week or two has been a rollercoaster of emotions. Mostly downs. Very long way downs. With a few high-anxiety moments.

I won’t go into a blathering ramble about it all, cos I’d really like to focus on one aspect; quite possibly the one that has caused the most anxiety-provoking moments, and deeply furstrating and sad points as well.

One that has the potential to harm, seriously wound and damage almost irreparably/

It has the potential to KILL.

Yes, as in to put an end to life kind of kill. Whether maliciously and deliberately, or ignorantly and accidentally. Or anywhere in between.

First up, it was my being advised that a well known organisation who support sufferers of postnatal depression (and, I might add, a brillian organisation) have not just considered, but have told others, that I “focus on the negative aspects of PND”

I’m sure there’s no need to explain how damaging that can be for my business. Especially as this particular organisation were well advised of my intentions with Real Mums / Bad Mother’s Club and what they stood for. Mostly because I was in close contact with, and good friends of a member of the organisation. She knew just about everything.

Mostly, it killed just a little piece of me. That someone could say something so maliciously, knowing exactly what I’d been through and what my intentios were. You can’t help  but sometimes thing “why bother” and “what is the point going on?” when the people who actually have an insight get it wrong, right?

Just another unnecessary hurdle to clear, based on … gossip. Unfounded, inaccurate gossip.

(I’ll be addressing this in a separate post)

Even more scarily, just proceeding this incident, was an …. hmmm, what word do I use – an aquaintance, I guess, is the best term to describe our relationship. I had spoken to her numerous times (online), I had a bit of knowledge about her and her life, she had disclosed some information. I wouldn’t necessarily consider her a “friend”, but an aquaintance is good. It was brought to my attention that she was unwell in a number of ways. Mostly, emotioanlly and psychologically unwell. I won’t go into details about her circumstances and unwellness, as the are not mine to share with the world.

Suffice to say, a small group of her aquaintances became seriously worried, and in a closed, private group – complete with the full agreeance that what was said in the group, stayed in the group – we discussed how we could help.

It’s a fine line, I guess, discussing someone’s circumstances when they’re not present. This in itself could be called gossip, I suppose. Except that we were … I cannot find the word to describe the level of our concern. Very? Extremely? Exceedingly?

When you are so concerned for someone’s life, do you let it go and pretend its not happening? Or do you work out how you can do something? Even if it is “behind their back”. This, I don’t consider gossip.

What I do consider gossip – and dangerous gossip – is for one of the group to advise her of discussions, tell her not that we were concerned, but that we were meddling in her life. Not that we were trying to help, but that we were saying she was a bad person.

Unfounded, inaccurate gossip.

Which resulted in untold stress, anxiety and days and days of trying to clear it up. For all involved.

It very nearly killed, too.

A person.

I have seen gossip damage and kill business relationships, some before they even begin, because someone has said something not thinking about the consequences.

I watched a former friend and business associate cut herself off from her clients by discussing their businesses in an informal, conversational tone; just chatting and telling others what she thought they shouuld do with their business. No ill intent. Just slowly killing businesses in these discussions. She lost clients. Then she lost friends.

She caused untold damage to numerous businesses – mine included – by not minding her own, and gossiping about others. In doing so, she also caused damage, and outright destruciton in some cases, to potential business relationships by tainting the impressions of one party towards another.

I’ve seen friends to the same; killing off some amazing friendships that have existed for years, are in their infancy or have not yet begun.

I’ve seen friend turn on friend because “someone else said” and no one has bothered to find out the truth, the other side of the story, or even just asked for clarification. I’ve seen people take this first word as gospel, form an opinion and not even bother to find out if it might be even slightly different from what was said.

I’m not even talking about the deliberate spreading of malicious rumours here.

I’m talking about chatting over a coffee (or facebook messaging!) conversation between two friends, two business associates, two family members. Just chatting about the mundane.

And in the process; killing innovation and initiative.

Killing passions.

Killing friendships and business relationships.

Killing businesses.

And sometimes, killing people.

The sad thing is, they – you?? – don’t even realise they’ve commit a homicide.

I’m thankful I had the opportunity, in the first instance, to clear up with at least one person what I stand for.

I’m thankful that the aquaintance in trouble is still alive, and so are those around her. Sadly, the dust has not settled on this one and I’m anxious for the time when it does.

I’m grateful I have the ability to listen without forming concrete opinions on others without first speaking to them and finding out who they really are.

Mostly, I just hate gossip.

You?

I’m going to wear my slightly Cranky Pants for this little rant. And its a little one, I promise.

Anyhoo, got an update about some stuff and things, and the usual paraphernalia that infiltrates my inbox (yet I just can’t seem to unsubscribe – help, I have a disorder!) and there was mention of the handing out of birthday party invitations at childcare/kindergarten/school. Rather, the request that this practice does not occur as “other children can become upset”.

I know. Life is tough. And it sucks at times.

I’ve been handed the same request on many a time, sometimes with the explanation that “council will only permit council approved material in the children’s pigeon holes” to avoid having to answer the “Ok, I’m happy not to hand them out like that, how would you like the birthday party invitation distribution to occur?”

As yet, I have not been given a response – any reponse to that request, nor have I even heard rumour that such a sensible and acheivable response exists. In fact, I haven’t heard rumour that a ridiculous, unnattainable solution has ever been uttered.

If we take into consideration that some mums work, and some don’t like to hang around the creche/kinder/school gossipping, and some have better other things to do, then handing them to the parents directly (most of whom are also not there; please refer to the start of this sentence) then the most logical thing to occur is that the kids hand them out to kids at the respective care/educational venue.

Teachers invariably (in my experience) refuse to take on the responsibilty. Privacy – or paranioa surrounding privacy – usually means contact lists are limited. To be fair, its also due to those parents who prefer the not-hanging-around not hanging around in order to add their details.

I’m not suggesting the practice is foolproof, or even a good one. It’s just the only suitable, logical, doable on in existance at the moment.

But what concerns me is enough parents, and possibly only one very loud one, have complained that their child “might be disappointed and upset” in order for these notes to be sent out.

So, and here’s where I get stuck just a little, do they plan on raising a child with zero disappointment in their life?

If so, what do they do when soemthing beyond their control happens? Or if a favourite toy gets lost or broken? Or another kid comes and takes something that s/he was playing with in the first place and their kid came and snatched it? Or a family pet or member dies? Or … the list goes on.

I get, really get not wanting a disapopinted kid. It breaks your heart, for sure. Right now, in my life, I’d do anything  to avoid anything that makes my toddler cry. Cos he cries a lot. And has massive tantrums. And if I can avoid it happening I will. Not for his benefit.

For mine.

I get it.

But disappointment is just an inevitable part of life.

And not being invited to birthday party when you are three years old is not that big a deal. Perhaps for the parents of said child, but for the child, I’m not so sure.

Learning how to manage disappointment is a seriously useful skill to have. Why in the last 12 months alone, I have been promised by two people, something incredibly huge and amazing. They both let me down. Was I disappointed? Abso-frigging-lutely! Like you would not believe.

Am I dealing with it? Yup, abso-frigging-lutely. Becuase I have learnt how to. Sure I could wallow, but where’s the fun in that? Aside, of course, from all the chocoate eating and wine drinking that accompanies the wallowing.

Last year, and even the beginning of this year, was fraught with disappointment and not being invited to things and being badly let down and having my plans destroyed. Not to mention all previous years in my life.

I can honestly say that I can’t even remember whether or not I was invited to, or excluded from birthdays when I was at primary school.

I recall, because it’s just come to me as I write this, not being invited to a wedding of a work colleague years and years ago, when the office bitch was. That was disappointing. I got over it. And promptly forgot about it.

(Also, the bitchfight that happened afterwards between bride and office bitch was awesome, and the marriage died within two months)

So when the request, any request, is sent out in order to avoid “upsetting children” is it really the kids that we’re worried about?

Or is the ability of the parent/s making the request having to deal with an upset/disappointed child?

And, really, seriously, how do they prevent their child from ever experiencing upset or disappointment at any time in their lives?