With Summer barrelling towards us like a toddler on a sugar high, we’re all getting a little concerned about how we’re going to look with all those extra bits of flesh we’ll be having to display.
Real Mums have come to the rescue, and have The Diet for you. We’ve designed the Diet to suit the age and stage of your child, so wherever they’re at, you can easily stick to the Diet without making life hard on yourself.
Like, by having to prepare extra meals and so forth.
Dieting with a Newborn
If you’re breastfeeding: This Diet is really simple – basically, you eat whatever you can get your hands on. Things that can literally stuff into your mouth by the handful is good. Chips, chocolate, small crackers, slices of bread, chunks of cheese ….
Fruit is good, but it requires the time, energy and inclination to chop it up. Then stuff it in your mouth. By the handful. Except grapes. You can stuff them in your mouth really easily. Especially when they come in the form of “wine”.
If you’re bottle feeding: See above.
Dieting with a Baby Starting Solids
This Diet may take a little bit of time to get into, but once you start, your life will be a breeze. Starting a baby on “solids” usually means cooking extra potato, for example, putting a bit aside and mashing it separately without the added evils like lashings of butter or salt.
You’ll do this for anywhere between 3 and 10 days, after which you’ll just mash the crap out of everything and eat that. Your vegetable intake will consist of potato, sweet potato and pumpkin for about the next 3 to 6 months. If you’re lucky, you’ll get some Weet-Bix thrown in, too.
Most of your meals will consist of the bits left unconsumed by your child.
Dieting with a Toddler
Depending whether your child is a picky eater or a good eater (read “vacuum”) will determine the source of your meals.
If you have a picky eater, you consume whatever it is that you put in front of them they don’t eat.
If you have a vacuum, you will only be able to consume what you can stuff in your mouth before they finish whatever it is they’re eating. This is because they will eat whatever you put in front of them, then go for yours.
Either way, breakfast will consist of one and a half pieces of toast, or half a bowl of Nutri-Grain. Lunch will be half a sandwich, and your evening meal will consist of some of what’s on your plate. Or theirs.
Dieting with a Preschooler
This is the point where food restriction comes into the Diet. You are faced with months of consuming one meal type only. This could be cheesy macaroni. Toasted sandwiches. Spaghetti Bolognaise, if you’re lucky. Chicken nuggets if you’re not.
You will only be allowed to prepare and serve this meal. Should you attempt to prepare and or serve anything different, at any of the meal times (breakfast, lunch or dinner), you will face the wrath of your preschooler. This is not pretty. Nor is it worth it.
After an indeterminate period of time, your preschooler will unexpectedly and inexplicably decide they want something different. You will not be prepared for this, nor will you be warned. All hell will break loose, but at least you’ll have a change in diet.
We just can’t guarantee how long you’ll have to stay on one Diet before it changes. No one knows.
Note: If you do attempt to prepare a variety of meals, be warned that this will result in you consuming all of it yourself.
Dieting with School Goer
For the first couple of weeks, mornings will consist of consuming the leftover bits of your child’s breakfast, and the “special treat” you sneak into their lunchbox to appease your guilt, then stuff in your mouth before they notice because you haven’t had time to eat your own breakfast what with having to make theirs and all.
And their father’s breakfast. And make their lunch. And their father’s. And make sure their school uniform is ironed (ok, getting silly now, we mean “presentable”). And make sure they have their homework, readers, recorder, runners and library books.
Lunch will also, initially; consist of a weekly celebratory lunch involving delicious food, decent wine and a “real” coffee. And no kids.
Alternatively, it will consist of the lunch you forgot to pack in their bag that morning. Minus the treat.
Your evening meal will be something you pull from the freezer at the last minute, that you hope you can whip up into a stir-fry by adding something green from the fridge that you think is a vegetable, and a limp carrot.
Hopefully, the fact that its still frozen won’t be a problem.
Failing this, it will consist of toasted ham, cheese and tomato sandwiches. Minus the tomato. And the ham.
Dieting with a Teenager
In the early teenage years, you probably won’t get much to eat at all. Teenagers – both boys and girls – will literally vacuum food in before it has time to be put away, let alone time for you to have a good go at it.
You’ll also be shopping for food constantly and won’t have time to eat.
Except for those times you go out to eat – the kids are now old enough to look after themselves, so you can leave them at home (and you won’t need to lock them in a cupboard this time). Good food, good friends, good wine – what more could you want?!
Then they get a bit older, the girls stop eating altogether and the boys are to busy consuming copious amounts of food consisting of the highest fat and lowest nutritional value possible.
You’re back to cooking for one, or possibly two. Therefore, back to tins of soup and some toast. And the occasional serving of baked beans.
A Note About Broccoli: Regardless of the age or stage of your child, they will not eat broccoli. It is green and tastes nothing like snot. If you attempt to cook and serve broccoli, you will end up eating it yourself. Broccoli is nice, but there’s only so much of it you can take.