Monkey Boy had his first ever guitar exam this morning.

I was terribly nervous. And had to stop asking him if he was. I didn’t want to put that concept into his head if he wasn’t.

He missed the morning of school, spent time practicing, in peace, whilst I dropped his brother off, and made sure he ate.

And then was bored by the time it was time to leave. So he and littlest brother started playing. Which is all well and good, except they do it when they say “yep, we’re compeletely ready and have everything organised!” and they don’t. Bloody liars.

I collect trains and paper and pencils and books and crayons and food and all kinds of paraphernalia to keep Chippie quiet and entertained during the time Monkey Boy was in his lesson. We are just ready to leave when I hear a rather loud and ominious CRASH and walk out to find that out Bowl, the one perched on the end of the kitchen bench, for the sole purpose of dumping Stuff You Can’t Find A Place For Anywhere Else (watches that need straps and/or batteries replaced, the I Don’t Know What That Is thingy that you know you’ll need when you toss it, business cards, very old mobile phones and broken Lego pieces – that Bowl) had made a rather large leap towards the floor.

And managed to crack, break, shatter, splinter and powder in equal proportions. I was impressed. Chippie was also bare-footed. And not only refused to move, but insisted on helping. I watched the clock tick minutes by as I simultaneously swept up mess and prevented Chippie from needing to have a sliver of glass removed from his person. Meanwhile, he was picking up various bits and saying “Look. Is broken,” as though I was oblivious to it all.

He then adds futher fun stuff to my bag and we set off, me unable to run or pick him up due to the immense weight of my bag. Have no idea, now, what is in there.

Arrive at exam, at the venue lessons are held and which we are all familiar with, and Chippie commences his routine Doing Laps Around The Instruments Whilst Making Train Noises. Only, today this was not a good idea, so we leave for some hot drinks. He sits quietly.

Return to make sure Monkey Boy’s guitar is tuned. Chippie recommences his Laps. Take him outside. He sits quietly. Back in, Laps, outside, quiet. Go to nearby women’s clothing shop. Crazy Running Around Between Racks. Outside. Quiet.

It appears that, unlike some children who go a bit nuts when they get some fresh air, this has the reverse effect on my kid. Although, the moment it is Essential You Be Quiet will always bring out the rowdiness in children.

Ignore Monkey Boy’s protests about going to school for rest of the day (he missed a moring session, he still has four hours to go) and ditch him, before spending the day with a good friend. Chippie informs me, on the way over, that his ear is sore. Of course. Panadol and sleep. It works.

Go to school to collect Godzilla after he partcipates in the after school Zumba class, and have a few minutes to watch him. Chippie is still in the Toilet Training phase and learning his body’s signals. Thus, we raced out of the school hall every two and a half minutes, to the smelly school toilets, whip his pants down, plonk him on and …. nothing.

Wander back. Repeat. And repeat. And repeat…

Turn to my littlest one, who is now over the other side of the hall. Crying. And walking funny.


Run to him (thank goodness have good sports bra on), pick him up and RUN .. mostly so the others in the hall weren’t subject to the smell emanating from the direction of his bottom.

Let me say, cleaing up broken, shattered, splintered, powdered glass is much easier – and much more preferable – than cleaning up runny poo from the bum and legs of a distressed toddler in the school toilets.

In fact, let’s be honest, removing bits of splintered glass from your eyeballs would be much more preferable.

It’s not long after we get home that I find him wandering around pantsless and with two shirts on. Of course. Although I’m not quite sure of the logic behind that one. He’s cold he tells me.

Yes, he would be with no pants on … just saying.

I wait for the third thing to drop today.

It was nearly my wine glass, but we saved it.

I think I’d best just go to bed …

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