One of my favourite lines from another of my favourite movies – this one a kid’s movie , Chicken Run, is when the rats refer to one of the chickens, in a bid to sell her something she doens’t really need, as “like a dream, like a vision, like a duck.”
This was, of course, the compliment they gave her when she was wearing a shuttlecock on her head.
My life feels very much like that right now.
Yes, like I am wearing a shuttlecock as a veil. On my head. Fairly normal, really.
I will preface this (I was originally going to prelude it with, but I change my mind) with saying that I don’t say what I’m about to because I want sympathy. I don’t want it to come across as an ‘excuse’ or some sort of justification for anything.
I say it because it falls under those things I am Passionate about. I say it for those who may be feeling the same way, and whom similar things may be overwhelming them.
I say it because others may be thinking things like “It’s alright for her, she’s presented on TV” or “She has a job she loves, so that’s different” and all sorts of other things that I may have inadvertently projected.
I may have been presenting my “showreel” to the world and the result is, I’ve strayed from those things that are important for me; to project the realities of parening, in all their gore and glory, to break down the facades, the simplicities, and the fluffy, marshmallow crap we have shoved down our throats on a daily basis.
For me, making people feel normal is my goal.
If I can change a perspective, a perception, or the feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and all the rest of that stuff that tends to come with mothering, then I’m happy.
I’m not talking about walking in someone else’s shoes. I’m talking about an experience you may be facing personally, and feeling really shit about, and seeing it differently, so you feel less shit. Or better still, can smile about it, and stress less.
So yes, whilst in some respects my life may seem like a dream, and like a vision it’s not all dream and visions. It’s not all you see.
Yes, I love my job. No, wait, I LOVE it!
I DO look forward to Mondays like most people look forward to Fridays. I also look forward to Fridays, for different reasons. I look forward to Mondays because I get to do what I love, and I look forward to Fridays because Iget so spend time with the people I love.
I look forward to, not because I want to be away from the thing I like, but because I choose to look forward to.
I love my job, which is also fraught with frustrations, excessive boring as batshit tasks, and difficult moments, as much as it is filled with moments of pleasure, self satisfaction and fulfillment, because I choose to love it and look forward to it.
Right now, I’m dealing with a major change and unheaval of my life and routine. It is, by no means, an unpleasant or terminal change. It is something I very much enjoy doing.
Regardless, it is a drastic change to the way my life has run for the last few years. Although each year brings its own change, as the kids grow and get another year older and all that comes with it, this acquiring of a HUGE writing contract has brought massive disruption.
Yes. I love it.
It is a dream. It is a vision.
I am also very much like a duck. Wearing a shuttlecock on its head.
I am, on the surface, cruising along, looking cool, calm and collected as I float along the top of the water.
Below the surface, however, my legs are frantically paddling, trying to keep me afloat, and moving forward, and not sinking to the bottom under all of it.
I am juggling a heap of balls and, yes, some of them have dropped.
Some, as I’ve stated previously, I’ve tossed to the wind, not longer part of my repetoir.
Others have had to leave lying at my feet until I get a moment to stop and pick them up, reintroducing them to the act.
Others have transformed into chainsaws, and I simply cannot drop them for fear of losing a limb, or my mind, and as much as I would like to place them aside, I simply can’t. They need to be kept in the air.
There are teenage children, being all teenagery, and all that comes with that. Their are the disillusioned parents of other teenage children, causing trouble, bullying. There is Aspergers and the repercussions of that, and a child with anxiety issues who cannot simply be told to get over it as I try to go about my own life.
There is a husband, whom I not only love dearly, whom is my best friend, who has his own stuff going on. Again, not major, but enough to ‘upheave’ and require additional effort to work with, around, and alongside.
There are financial things to consider, there are in-laws who need our support, there is fitting in my passion, and making the time to have my legs waxed and go back to see my physio, whom I’ve negelcted for the last three weeks and he is going to be very unhappy when he next sees me. I think we’re heading back to square one with the stuff I went to see him with.
Yes. Yes I love my job. Yes I am extraordinaly grateful I have had all of the opportunities I have had, and continue to have. Yes I look forward to Mondays, and I still hate mornings. We do not get along well.
And yes, I still live a Life, and all the things that come with it. None of these things I am experiencing are unique to me, although I may be experiencing some things others have no experience with. And vice versa; there will be things I have no idea about that others are going through.
Such is life.
So yes, I am very much living the dream. My life is very much a vision.
I am also a duck.
Calm on the surface, frantically paddling to keep above the surface.
It will settle, soon, I know that.
And the shuttlecock is fabulous for keeping my bad hair in check!