I’m at a loss for words right now.
I want to keep doing my usual, but everything I have to say feels so mundane right now. I’m not actually lost for words, I have much that I want to say and to write about and to continue blogging as I have been.
It just feels, well, wrong in light of circumstances surrounding me at the moment.
I feel that these circumstances need acknowledging before I can continue the “life goes on” thing. Because it does go on, and we all have others to go on for, at some level.
It started last week with the woman across the road from us dying of breast cancer. Same age as me. Two school aged kids.
I’m sad it happened, but mostly I’m sad that we didn’t know her. I didn’t know she was sick. It wasn’t for our lack of trying; saying hi to her and the kids, waving to her across the road. That sort of thing.
She blatantly turned away; I’m not judging, she had her reasons, and that is ok. I have no idea what those reasons where. But that’s ok, too.
Right now, I feel helpless and hopeless and terribly bad for not knowing. She was a neighbour and I like to think I’m good with my neighbours. I know, fundamentally, I am, like when my next door neighbour, widowed for six months, left the house, front door open (but screen locked) and the dog inside – something so totally uncharacteristic of her – and her dog started making funny noises, we dropped everything and set about making she was ok. Just short of calling the police, she wandered around the corner and jovially informed us “I can’t bloody do anything without anyone wanting to know my business, can I?”
I know I’d do anything for them. But I can’t if they dont’ let me. Still, the whole lot has left me feeling sad, drained and just a bit like I’ve done the wrong thing.
My heart goes out to her family and friends. I wish I could do more.
It followed a few days later with the death of the husband of someone I follow in the blogsphere. I follow her, but don’t comment much. I feel a bit bad about that, too, but I can see she has some amazing support from those around her. I feel I’m intruding, just a little. But I genuinely feel for her and care for her. A lot.