Mother of the Year Criteria

I had a moment of trepidation this morning. When I picked my Middlest One up from school yesterday, he was pale and quiet. All list night he was flat and teary. Getting him to go to bed was a drama.

This morning, he seemed more vibrant. Better. Well, in fact.

Still, I had a moment’s doubt, for only last year I had experienced one of those inevitable, yet rarely spoken of Mothering Milestones.

A not uncommon event, one that hundreds, if not thousands of mothers over the world have experienced.

To be honest, I’m a little bit miffed I haven’t been formally acknowledged for it; given, perhaps, a little decal I can sew to the sleeve of my pyjama top, much the same way Boy Scouts and Girl Guides receive Badges of Merit for Competence in a certain area to attach to their uniforms. Or, maybe, one that can be attached with double sided tape, or that tape you use to hem your pants, but you need an iron for that.

Anyhoo, I successfully accomplished the Ignore Child Complaining They Are Sick And Have To Clean Up Spew From The Interior Of The Car badge … (you can read about it here)

I know I’m not the first to do this. I feel one of the more unlucky of the cohort that have done the Ignore Child brigade, as, from anecdotal evidence, many mums are called from the school to collect sick child. I got to deal with the spew myself.

I’m sure I won’t be the last either. It also made me think of a story of one of the Club Members, who ignored a whingy child complaining of a sore arm, only to find, after she’d had her wine, that it was, indeed, broken. The arm, not the wine. Another common story.

It occurred to me that here is, in fact, a set of Criteria you must accomplish before you can rightfully claim your Mother Of The Year Award. It can’t just be handed out to any old mother who stands on her child’s hand when they’re having a tantrum in the supermarket, or, indeed, ignores complaints re sore throats, nausea and sore limbs.

Here are some of the Criteria. I believe you have to have obtained a badge for each one before you can legitimately and officially be recognised as Mother Of The Year … and I’d love to hear your inclusions in this list of Criteria.

  • ignore a child who is complaining of feeling ill, only to have to deal with subsequent fallout (cleaning up vomit, being called to collect child from school etc)
  • ignore a child complaining about a sore limb, only to discover a minimum of a full 24 hours later that it is broken
  • ignoring a child complaining of a sore ear, nose or throat, only to have to attend the emergency department to have an object – or tonsils – removed from said orifice
  • running for the camera instead of running to rescue a stranded, wet or stuck child … photo evidence is required
  • discovering one of your children had drawn on or painted another of your offspring – preferably in permanent marker or oil based paint, and the drawing/painting must cover at least 40% of the siblings body, including face (makeup will do in a pinch)
  • discovering an entire room has been subject to an entire packet/tube/bottle of powder/sorbolene/nappy rash cream/your best and most expensive face cream
  • having been forced to create an adequately nutritious and acceptable school lunches, without bread, at least once a month for a minimum of one school year
  • having to come up with a creative, child friendly breakfast at least two-three times in a twelve month period, without the aid of any food item that could be construed as ‘breakfasty’
  • having your child say “fuck”, “fuck it”, “fucking idiot” or similar to the close friend or relative that would be most horrified and offended by it … bonus points if its done in a crowded cafe

What would you add to this list?

And do we need to distribute badges or medals for each mum who achieves each of these Criteria For Best Mum In The World?


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