Nothing To Say
Lately, well, except for the leadup to Christmas and the traumatic/hilarious – depending on which side of the fence you sit – antics of my fabulous family, I’ve found I have nothing to say.
The last few months, quite a few of them, actually, have been tough and I’ve found myself with less and less to say. I have sought the support and help I need for this moment in my life and things are looking remarkably UP in comparison.
For someone as vocal and vociferous as I am, this Having Nothing To Say has been a bizarre experience and surreal feeling.
Overwhelmed with intense feelings of Weltschmerz, I lost my voice. Not so much lost it as found it pointless.
I was surrounded by people I loved so intensely experiencing personal traumas and sadness that, in most cases, brought them literally to their knees, heartbroken. In one case, that sadness took the life of a friend of mine, and in another instance, almost claimed the life of one of my teenage son’s best friends.
A woman I admire, whom, I’m sure, does not realise how much I look up to her and whom, I’m equally sure, I piss off considerably, albeit unintentionally, has spent years of her life keeping an orphanage up and running. She has experienced homelessness, medical traumas and all manner of things I cannot begin to imagine as circumstances on their own, much less in conjunction with each other, and all she wants to do is prevent young girls being sold as sex slaves.
I know a lot of women who are following passions; not along the lines of dealing with such poverty, conditions and circumstances, but passions none the less. I have watched them, been there for them and listened to them – as a close friend and confidante, as well as as a distant acquaintance who happens to be part of the same cohort – I have seen their trials and hurdles, the experiences, backstabbings and deceit they have experienced at the hands of others, dried their tears and felt their pain.
Amongst all of this, I have seen levels of stupidity that one cannot fathom. Although they gave me a laugh in the moment, they have scared me beyond comprehension that this is a world we live in.
I had nothing to say; because sometimes there is nothing that can be said, nothing to say when someone is in such great pain.
When someone is doing such great things, living their dream not matter how hard or stressful or painful at times, there is nothing to say to help make it better, easier or to overcome a hurdle. Nothing to say when you feel they are doing something so much more worthwhile.
Sometimes, when things – or people – are just so stupid, idiotic or ignorant, there is nothing you can add. Well, not unless you want the conversation to deteriorate even further and come away feeling worse than you did going in.
I just have nothing to say, nothing constructive or helpful to add, nothing that will show how I value, support or admire those doing amazing things.
Though I have nothing to say, I am still here; for hugs, for ears, for a shoulder when needed.
Sometimes, I don’t know what to do – much less know what to say, except for those times