The Evil Bitch WiFi Overlord and other useful parenting hacks

Children, as we all know, and if you don’t know this, please get your head out of the sand, return to planet Earth, and stop being so bloody delusional, have approximately zero respect or understanding for things like:

  • how much stuff costs
  • that things, like breakfast cereals,Milo, two minute noodles and the wifi have limits and do not magically appear by some miracle of their shallowest desires
  • anything, really

So whilst it was with great frustration, it was not without great surprise that after I told them to stop eating the cereal out of the container and if they were hungry to make a ‘proper’ cereal meal, that one teaspoon – yes, heaped is fine – of Milo is enough, and that the two minute noodles are for snacks and do not consist of anything meal like, therefore they are not to be used for meals, and once they’re gone I’m not going out of my bloody way to buy more, so there, that they wandered up to a bedroom and started watching YouTube on the device that should have been in the living room but wasn’t.

Because I am, apparently, on a scale of 1-10 am sitting at around 37 out of 10 Stupid.

I know, because I asked. I asked “on a scale of one to ten, how stupid do you think I am?”

And they responded with “Thirty seven.”

Well, kids, who is the stupid one now!

Because not only did one child – the child that is incapable of knowing when to shut his mouth and ends up digging himself in deeper and losing more and more privileges, lost his device.

Parenting Hack 1

No “lost” as in misplaced. It’s rarely out of his hand long enough for it to be misplaced.

“Lost” as in “I confiscated it because he was pissing me off and it is the only thing I had to work with in the moment”.

What I like to do, when I confiscate devices, is put them in a cupboard (which they can now reach better than I anyway), and leave the device on, and the wifi connected.

This way, they can hear all the notifications for stuff they’re missing out on because they were arsefaces.

Also, as the battery slowly runs down (or quickly if you have an iPhone), their anxiety levels increase and they start being super polite and saying “Can you please at least just recharge it for me?” and you can behave exactly like they did when you asked them to get off the wifi, hang their clothes up, dry the dishes, or just be helpful in one way or another.

This may be ignoring them entirely.

Or faffing about with your own phone and going “uh huh uh huh” and then continuing to ignore them.

You may prefer to scream “WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BITCH?!” because that’s an appropriate response, apparently, to a simple and very politely worded question.

Or go and do something else, completely unrelated and several hours (or days) later say “I never heard you ask me to do that?” when they say “I’ve asked seven times now for you to …

Parenting Hack 2

This is by no means anything new, and I do not wish to take credit for it. Rather, I’d like your input.

The latest WiFi abuse situation forced me to change the WiFi name and password, and instil the requirements that they check in with me before using the WiFi, and have me sign in.

The downside is, I have my own devices to fuck about with and remember names and passwords.

Rather than just change the name, I figured I would start using names that actually

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