Things not to say to yor pregnant wife.

Awoke this morning, grumpy as usual.

Quite probably because had been awoken before I was ready by what I thought was a herd of demented warthogs.

(Are they “herds” of demented warthogs, or is there some other word that describes their gathering?)

Grumpy Pants (after being poked in the back several times) rolls over and asks “So, when are you gonna lose the Grumpy Hormone and get the Randy Hormone back?”

Clearly, the man has a death wish.

I, as politely as possible, explained that the Randy Hormone (or Horny Hormone if you prefer) is extremely sensitive and short lived, and requires the exact right stimulation in order to be of any use.

Snoring like pack of psychotic camels and farting on me is, in fact not a stimulant for Randy Hormone.

However, it is excellent stimulant for Grumpy Hormone, a common pregnancy hormone that is very easily stimulated.

It can be stimulated by many things, not least the abovementioned stimulants, as well as not shutting doors, yelling at the kids, not making my coffee just right (or at all), putting clothes in the wrong pile, “fixing” washing machines and being a fucking moron by asking questions like that.

The Grumpy Hormone can also, easily, be stimulated by the fact that all the good knives have been taken to work, leaving me with the good but dodgy one, whose handle falls off when you attempt to cut tomatoes, and includes thumb in the cutting.

Randy Hormone may return on purchase of decent set of knives for the kitchen.

Purchase of decent set of knives could also come in incredibly handy when overstimulation of Grumpy Hormone occurs.

I hope that shed some light on the situation for him.

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