Top 5 Statements That Will Get You Killed (or, at the very least, a look that could)

Hello, Captain Obvious!

Please allow me to introduce you to Super Twat!

Or perhaps you’ve already met? As it’s only possible that your numerous spawn could be so gifted as to come out with these Top Five Statements That Will Get You Killed (or, at the very least, a look that could).

These would have to be my all time favourites!

1. He’s not happy!

Wow, really, I hadn’t noticed the brain-pearcing screams my toddler is currently emitting, broken only by the intermittent “You’re not my mum!”

The snot and tears streaming down his face are also oblivious to me.

Thank you for pointing this out, otherwise I may have been totally ignorant of the current emotional state of my offfspring. Phew. Thank goodness for you!

2. They’re quick, aren’t they?

Indeedy they are.

At which point, may I thank you ever so kindly for your going out of your way to advise me of this whilst watching my toddler extract himself from my firm grip and shoot past you towards a busy road/crowd of people/fast food outlet. I appreciate your advising me of this, as I hadn’t noticed the speed with which he’d vanished.

Which brings me to …

3. They shouldn’t be doing …

“He shouldn’t be running down the street like that, a car might back out and hit him.”

“He shouldn’t be climbing up there, he’ll fall.”

“He shouldn’t be touching that, he’ll get hurt/”

First and foremost, I really appreciate your catastrophising and, in most cases, pointing out the very unlikely.

Thank you also, for noticing I was barrelling my way down the street/through the shop/across the playground to rescue my child, and stopping me in my progress to advise me of these dangers. Yes, these very dangers that are at the forefront of my mind and I’m trying to prevent.

Or would now be preventing if you hadn’t stopped me. Thanks for holding me up, passing on your wisdom and throwing in a judgement or two whilst you’re there. Now, if you don’t mind, please shut the fuck up and let me rescue my child!

4. Here have a lolly …

AARRRGGGHHHH! Yes, I appreciate he is lying on the floor, having a kicking, screaming tantrum. You may or may not have noticed that I’m actually trying to do something about it.

And whilst I do appreciate the overwhelming desire to shove something in his mouth to get him to shut up, I’m thinking a rolled up sock is preferable.

Two things; not sure if you’ve noticed, but your speaking to him is causing him to become more aggitated and scream louder and it’s pissing me off!

Also, I have this rule about not rewarding arsehead behaviour with a lolly. I know, crazy, huh?

While I’m here, I get he’s having a tantrum, but really, it’s me that’s super stressed. If you’d just pop off and get me a latte / gin and tonic, it’s going to solve the problem a lot more quickly than you rewarding him with a lolly.

Please fuck off now.

And finally,

5. You need a break


Oh, right, I get it now. See, I though that my just putting my three-hour-old MUG of coffee in the fridge and my slipper in the microwave – or, at the very least, my sharing this behaviour with you – would have indicated that I was aware myself that I needed a break. Silly me. Clearly my brain is so befuddled that I haven’t noticed that I’m putting tonight’s dinner in the dishwasher and honestly feel everything is running smoothly.

Just quietly, if you’d handed over the tickets of a fully paid, airfares included, week long stay in a Tahitian resort and sorted out all my childcare needs, as you said “You need a break” I may not want to stab you in the eye with the toothpick and pipecleaner creation my nine-year-old has brought home from school and I’m supposed to love.

Surely even my overwhelming desire to want to stab you with such a creation is an indication that I’m attentive to the needs of my overwhelmed and overstressed brain.

Thank you for this insight, what would I do without you?

No. really, what would any mum do without you?

Written by Mad Cow (Amanda Cox) founder of Real Mums, mum to 3 boys, wife, writer, lover of coffee, loather of stupid comments by others and stupidity in general. Her personal blog can be found at or under the couch with her missing left slipper …

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