You know how sometimes you reach those stages in Life that are a convoluted mix of enthusiasm, inspiration, overwhelm, and sadness?
All at the same time?
And you never know what the first step, much less the best step to take is?
Not knowing whether to find yourself a vast open field to project and relaxing and somewhat vehement AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Or to climb a vast open mountain and express your elation with song and lots of twirling around.
Although, I’m very likely to follow that lots of twirling around with lots of throwing up. But let’s not bring that into the mix.
Maybe I should curl under my doona and cry, or vanish to a quiet cabin somewhere with my laptop and pour out all the writings that are solely contained within the confines of my skull?
All these ideas are extremely pleasing in their own rights.
None, sadly, come without the need to do some level of planning which, under the circumstances, I either can’t be bothered doing, or have far too many exciting things to do instead …. like finding a remote cabin where I can write.
Actually, even the need that one needs to be found is beyond my at the moment. However, if a book publisher could appear with some rather nice contracts for me to sign for the writings I have actually got out of my head, and could produce a remote cabin for me so I didn’t have to find one, that would be great.
I won’t hold my breath, but one can dream, can’t one?
Epiphanies do this to me, and the opportunities and experiences I have had of late have been mind opening on so many levels. It’s been incredible. Frustrating – oh so very frustrating – at times, but mostly fabulous.
Clarity has ensued, and with clarity comes the need to make some tough decisions, followed by actions that can be heartbreaking at one level. Leaving behind, or handing over, or simply ‘killing’ some things that have been a part of your life for so long, and have meant so much to you is hard.
Even the revelation that you have been fighting a really hard fight, one that goes against the grain, for ten years, yet almost nothing has changed. That the mainstream continue to facilitate the same attitudes to parenting, partnerships, and society that they have been for years. Like about 100,000 of them.
Also, it’s just Life.
Speaking of Life, it’s just continuing to happen. The good, the bad, and the downright fucking ridiculously stupid, which for some reason affects me more than the bad.
Ridiculously fucking stupid things like suing a primary school because your seven-year-old son was running and fell over … and I can’t even … just, I’m so fucking angry on so many levels. Even more than the fucking stupidity of mindless mums who encourage mob mentalities.
(Can you tell I’m angry? I really need to be more explicit, don’t I?)
Much of the maelstrom of my Life at the moment just needs a sit down and some simple planning. Followed, of course, by action (thank you all the coaches and motivators and inspirers who have come in and out of my Life for that little snippet).
Whilst I’m in the midst of the storm, however, I can only work with the storm.
I can find and field and scream, lie under my doona and cry, go to Ikea and buy a heap of stuff because it makes me feel like I’m all organised and shit, even though it’s doing nothing to actually help organise all the debris swirling around in the cyclone I’m in. I can tap away at my keyboard, or sing and dance in the rain.
Which I do rather like to do anyway.
Or just be me the best I can and maybe do all of them at the same time …
I don’t think that would be a terribly good idea.
What to do, oh what to do?
Note to self: Limit twirling when signing and dancing in storms. It usually makes you vomit.
Tell me, what do you do when your life is a storm?